From my Mom
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[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.