[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
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Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.