It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
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The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?