Speak now or ever hold your peace
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Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater