The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
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[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”