The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
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[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Kids: Stay in school.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.