At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
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(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé