Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
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It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good