*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
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Eggs benadryl my favourite
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh