SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
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[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
some cats are just doing for fun!
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical