The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
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VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
also my go-to takeaway order
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.