Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
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As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before