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Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.