[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
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“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.