“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
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manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
I’m good, thanks.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on