Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
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oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts