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If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
(yawn)
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Message from the dog groomers
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”