Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
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Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”