Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
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Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
your honor my client chooses dare
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep