STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
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As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.