Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
You Might Also Like
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!