I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
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My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
There is wisdom there.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG