I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
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I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Do not go gentle into that good night,
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.