St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
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[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out