One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
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*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me