RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
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You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?