At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
You Might Also Like
This line from Airplane.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
it must be school picture day
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
do horses think humans are hats
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts