Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
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7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields