when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
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Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???