[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
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Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Care for your back
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.