Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
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What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????