Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
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A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.