Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
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Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.