[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
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What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
This guy gets it.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
socratic questions
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could