fourth time’s the charm
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Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
We’ve come full circle