I have written yet another poem about laundry
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Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
i wish i could marry a nap
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet