A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
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I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*