It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
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Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
January has been Januweary
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
britain’s three elite institutions