Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
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If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
These are my roll models.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday