What is going on? 😅
You Might Also Like
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Something Saturday.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
never ask a starfish for directions
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Most fashion shows these days…
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.