Love this one 😂🧟
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Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.