Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
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I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
life finds a way
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
My circle of trust is a meatball
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”