On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
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me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.