‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
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ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
you will never know the true number of layers
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
I want to meet the individual who made this
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.