Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
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I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
#catsoftwitter
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
everyone has that one prude friend
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church