me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
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Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry