[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
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There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL