I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
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People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
I can’t wait!
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?