REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
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Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they鈥檒l trip over something and die
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
If there鈥檚 a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there鈥檚 one in every room
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Alternate reality. 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 馃П
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that鈥檚 right, it鈥檚 got glitter AND it鈥檚 slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I鈥檒l be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.