*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
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My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
They got Raph!
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.